The Coffee Incident
by wabbit sox
Summary: While trying to create a simple cup of coffee, Ed accidentally gets himself and a few choice other characters blown to Hogwarts! How will they survive? “…I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore…” Roy remarked slowly.


Summary: While trying to create a simple cup of coffee, Ed accidentally gets himself and a few other choice characters blown to Hogwarts! How will they survive? You'll just have to read to find out! "…I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…." Roy remarked slowly.

Warning: This is going to have slash, lots of fun slash. If slash offends, annoys, or aggravates you, then please hit the back button now. If you enjoy the obvious sexual tension between Ed and Roy please continue reading. Also, I curse a lot, therefore my writing has a lot of cursing in it. If this offends you, turn back now!

Other Random stuff I need to say: Kimberly is to sexy for words and should be worshiped. If you do not worship him…the bunnies will eat you…and so will Greed….Insert suggestive wink here….I'm grinning insanely right now, yes you're right. I am easily amused by bad jokes….Especially love puns.

"Coffee Beans,"

"Check."

"Mug,"

"Check."

"Is it the one with the fuzzy puppies on it?"

"Erm…No…It's the one with the fuzzy penguins on it, is that okay, brother?"

"Yeah I guess that's fine, Al, do we have the cream?"

"Check."

"Fullmetal you do know cream is made of milk…"

Edward whirled around from his position in front of the counter top to glare at Roy Mustang. The colonel was leaning on the doorframe to the small kitchen in Central, smirking at them. "I'm trying to make coffee here! Good, nice, happy coffee!" Ed growled before whirling back to the table.

"That's nice, Fullmetal, but I thought you hated milk." Roy pointed out again.

"I do!" Ed hissed. _I will not look at him! I will not turn and give him the satisfaction of seeing that he's pissed me off! _Ed thought over and over again.

"But cream is made of milk."

"No! It's not!"

"Yes. It is." Mustang argued.

"No!" Ed yelled, spinning to face the colonel.

"Yes…"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Er…Brother? Actually cream is made of milk."

"….Damn you!" Ed hissed. He stiffly turned away from both his brother and Roy. "Burn the cream!

"…Yes, I'm taller I win." Roy said smugly. Ed looked back and glared at Mustang. If looks could kill Roy would have been a pile of ashes on the floor.

"Cheap bastard."

"….shrimp."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE'D BE EATEN BY A MINNOW!" Ed bellowed at Mustang, who was chuckling. "Hey! Don't make me hunt you down and scoop out your pancreas with a rusty spoon!"

Roy fell silent and shot Ed a you've-crossed-the-line-between-funny-and-ew Look. "…Just go back to making coffee Elric."

"Fine, Al! Water?"

"Check."

"Coffee filter?"

"You don't actually need a filter in an alchemic transmutation, you only need it when you make coffee like a normal person…with a coffee machine." Roy pointed out.

"Did I say I needed help from Mr. Egomaniac?" Ed yelled, still not turning to face Roy. His shoulders were so tense Roy thought they might crack. "Al! Do we have everything we need for the transmutation!"

"Oh wait!" The large metal suit proclaimed. He suddenly produced a four leafed clover from some joint in his armor. "It's my lucky clover!"

"Hurry up Ed! I want some coffee!" Huges moaned from the door, where'd appeared next to Mustang.

"Don't rush me!" Ed hissed..

"He might make himself into a coffee bean…not that I would make any difference…" Roy said in a sing song voice.

Ed's head creaked around and he glared violently at Mustang. "Are you implying something!"

"Yes."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORT!"

"You."

Ed looked like he was about to leap on the colonel. But he took a deep breath and turned back to the table. "I hope I turn you into a coffee bean you stupid hussy!" Ed clapped his hands together and the familiar yellow light formed. He pressed his palms to the table, reveling in the pure feeling of alchemy.

"HOLY FUCK!" Roy screamed.

Ed's eyes were shut and frankly he couldn't care less what the colonel was yelling about. He suddenly felt an odd tingling in his hands. That didn't usually happen. The tingling was spreading up his arms, all through his body, down to his toes, through the floor, onto the table…Ed's eyes flew open when he felt the beginnings of a loud boom in the air. You always knew when something was about to explode, you just could feel it. And Ed knew something was about to go boom.

He finally saw what Roy yelled about. The light spreading around the room was not the normal bright yellow, it was bright emerald green. That wasn't right….no that wasn't right at all.

Ed just barely braced himself for the gigantic boom.

"….No…You will not cut my fucking hair!"

"Please? You know It'll be a hassle to wash, and style, and blow dry…and-"

"Do you even have a blow dryer!"

"Well not, but it's the idea behind the blow dryer that counts!"

"Will you idiots quit it!" Martal snapped.

Kimberly, who was sitting in a very bubbly bathtub and Greed who was sitting on a stool outside of the tub behind Kimberly looked up at her. "Martal tell him we need to cut his hair!" Greed complained loudly.

"You sound like a winy kid." Martal snared.

"…Will you throw me a fricken bone!" Greed growled. "He needs a hair cut."

"Yeah, Mr. Alchemist you do have a lot of split ends, and it'll look a lot better if you trim it up a bit, Greed's really good with hair care, I mean look at his!" Martal admitted.

Kimberly craned his neck backwards to stare up at Greed's spiky black hair. "Looks like crap to me."

"You're weird." Martal sighed, she turned on her heel and left the bathroom closing the door behind her.

"Fine! Just trim the damn hair! But only a trim! For every extra piece of hair I find whose length I don't like, I'll kill you!" Kimberly hissed.

"You are so cute!" Greed squealed. "It's like having a puppy!"

"Oh how the mighty have fallen."

Fifteen minutes later Greed and Kimberly were admiring the alchemists new hair do in the mirror in Greed's room. Kimberly dressed in an oversized hair of Greed's light blue pajama's and Greed in his usual leather attire.

"Well I guess it's okay…." Kimberly finally sighed.

"Do I get a kiss?"

"…No."

Greed's ears suddenly pricked and he whirled around to face the door.

"What?" Kimberly asked. Then he felt to. The steady whir you felt running through you're body just before an explosion. Kimberly felt himself get all warm and fuzzy at the buzz. It was a very, very familiar buzz. He shut his eyes and let himself be washed over by that buzz. Kimberly sighed. But he felt too warm, he didn't feel this warm till after the explosion. His amber eyes flew open to find Greed clutching him tightly.

Kimberly first felt puzzlement. At perceived danger Greed had grabbed him. Did that mean Greed was scared? Nah….Or Greed was actually worried about him? Nobody every worried about Kimberly. Not even his own mother. Naturally Kimberly was shocked. And then he was angry. "Get off!"

"Na-uh!" Greed proclaimed loudly.

Kimberly felt his feet leave the floor as the sonic boom ripped through the room. He couldn't help but shriek. This was not how explosions worked, god dammit! But Kimberly noticed that despite the boom, Greed didn't let go.

That little bit of…well Kimberly wasn't even sure of what emotion it was, but he was damn thankful he had something to cling to while they plummeted through the air.

There were loud shrieks, yelps, and gasps. All made Edward Elric's head pound. He opened big amber eyes and saw just white fuzziness. He was definitely not at central anymore. Ed shut his eyes tightly again.

He was very warm, but it wasn't a bad warm…it was a comfortable fuzziness at his back. Ed smiled and nuzzled this warm thing. He felt a rough uniform under his cheek. His eyes flew open. There was the dark blue of the military uniforms. Ed now noticed arms were wrapped around his back. Ed's eyes traced up the form beneath him and his eyes fell on silky dark hair and attractive features. The same features as Colonel Mustang. "EEEK!"

Ed scrambled away from Mustang in complete shock. Where the fuck was he? Why was he lying on Mustang? And why the hell were people talking around him, there weren't this many people in central.

The blond suddenly noticed Maes and Al were also in a heap on a stone floor. And then he noticed they were in a huge hall with stars above them. At four tables around them there were kids of all different ages, gaping at them.

Roy winced and lifted his head. He glanced around and saw the same things as Ed, only he noticed another group of people lying on the floor with them. He recognized one of them to be the Crimson alchemist, curled in the arms of a taller man with spiky black hair and dressed in leather. Roy also noticed lying on top of the Crimson alchemist was none other then the homunculus, Envy.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…" Roy remarked slowly.


End file.
